Friends Are Not Forever

Since elementary school, I've had a 'best friend'.  First, it was the girl who gave me a napkin to wipe my tears on the first day of kindergarten. Then, the one who LOVED to lecture me about American culture (Bratz, and how Barbie was SO not cool). She was followed by the animal lover, and then the neat freak. All of these folks, were my best friends. We talked about Hannah Montana, Curious George, and the Jonas Brothers. We all loved Miley Cyrus. We were all going to marry one of the JoBros (Nick was mine.) We made up dances to Rihanna songs. Chris Brown was still singing 'Forever' and hadn't beat anybody up yet. All of us loved school, some of us loved homework. We went home tired and happy, fulfilling a whole day learning and playing tether ball. A day was a life time. Everybody was friends. Boys had cooties. Long hair was cool. You HAD to know the lyrics to every single high school musical song (well the first one, the others weren't out yet). NOBODY wore dresses, those were for sissies. Goodbyes and hugs were exchanged on a daily basis. We had been friends since Kindergarten, we were going to be friends forever.  On the day of our 5th grade graduation, we all promised we'd keep in touch and be 'BFFs FOREVER'.

I think it's obvious that is not what happened. After that day, we'd call each other rather frequently. We'd still attend each other's birthday parties. We'd still make sure we knew all of the lyrics to the new Miley song. Hannah Montana was still our religion. Then, we all started at different middle schools. That's when all that 'forever and ever' stuff went down the drain. We began to make new friends, and become slightly new people. No longer were we longing for each other's company. Our phone calls got shorter and shorter, until they finally stopped. Hannah Montana was still a big part of our lives, but not THAT big. No more birthday parties. Nick Jonas, however, was still appealing. We all had our own lives now, we'd gone our separate ways. Personally, I didn't mind. Middle school was great. I had new friends, and new classes. I had different teachers for different classes. I had a locker. Lily finally found out Miley's secret. I loved life. I didn't really long for my elementary school days.

Then, at the the end of middle school all the crying and "BFFs FOREVER AND EVER" took place. Yes, again. However, this time I really meant it. I had had the same best friend for 3 years. The only difference between the elementary departure and the middle school one was that I was moving to a different country. Taylor Swift replaced Miley Cyrus (Fearless hadn't come out yet). Glee was the new Hannah Montana. The Jonas Brother were still big, Justin Bieber's 'One Time' had just come out. Everybody had a facebook, and skype was the new hype. All the pinky promises about Facebooking everyday were made. All the not-so crocodile tears shed. All the 'OMG I cant believe U R Gonna Go' and 'Im gonna miss you sooooooooooo much" texts sent. I finally left that sunny, April morning with blotchy skin and red rimmed eyes, most likely to never return. For the next few weeks, it went as promised. I facebooked and skyped with everyone, and told them all everything about everything.

We still seemed liked the best of friends.

Then eventually the Facebook messages got shorter and the inside jokes slowly began to fade into a distant past. They began to like Justin Bieber and I, the Beatles. One Direction became their Jonas Brother, while I discovered Coldplay, Oasis, and The Killers. I still loved Taylor Swift (till today, y'all). It soon became uncomfortable to even message a 'Hi' to my so called best-friends. (Except one. That one, I still talk to today and I think she's the only exception.)  I couldn't do more than 'like' a picture. That's about the time I began to realize something; nothing lasts forever. It can't. It's not possible for ANYTHING to last forever. Everything must end whether we like it or not. That is an epiphany that has helped me through the last few years. Also, I began to feel that Facebook created a distance instead of a connection. If Facebook hadn't been there, my friendships would fade away without the cutting nostalgia that takes place with every new picture uploaded.

Nothing lasts forever, especially in the field of friendship. Some friendships may endure time and succeed, but most won't. It's not a comforting thought, but we have to live with it. Honestly, at times, I find this fact of life rather refreshing. Today, I'm having a bit of a hard time unravelling my thoughts into words, but I'm just saying that when we said 'BFFs FOREVER', we weren't really kidding. Not then anyway. Our words truly held meaning at that moment, they just began to fade with time. We indeed were best friends forever, in our own little 10-year old infinity. Yet, that infinity finished and other, bigger ones came along. We all got over it all right.

Sometimes, I try to imagine what my 10-year old self would say to this (as in me being Facebook 'friends' instead of real friends with my ex-bffs ). This doesn't really work out too well, as it's hard for me to imagine myself in a different situation than the one I am in now. The thing about the friendships above is that there wasn't really a distinct beginning or end. I don't remember the exact moment I became best of friends with the people, whose statues I currently skim through on Facbeook. The ones who love make-up and are more typically-teenagery than I. Yet, I don't remember the moment where our supposedly perfect friendship sunk into the depressing sea of acquaintance-hood.  I know, though, that it had happened. I also know it maybe happening right now, and I'm sure of the fact it will happen again.

All in all, forever is a lie we tell ourselves to stay happy. But again, aren't most of us lying about the cause of our happiness anyhow?

( I would like to thank the JoBros and Miley Cyrus for beginning many of my childhood friendships. You too, Hillary Duff, even if I forgot to mention you. )

Disappointing Days

Vacations are a funny thing. When school's about to end, you make all these plans. You promise everybody you meet, that you two will hang out during the break. You get excited, bubbly with the feeling of not having to study for a while. You imagine sleeping in late, not touching a book, and staying in your PJs all day long. You dream of doing daring, adventurous things. Meeting funny, sophisticated people. You spend your time trying to come up with all those creative classes you will take. Usually, none of this really happens. All that dreaming is wasted time.

Vacations are one of those things that you raise your expectations for, just to watch them crash back down. You expect to have this wonderful, adventurous break. You imagine all the new people you will meet, all the cool things you will do. In the end, none of this happens. Instead, you wake up at 8 because it's too hot to sleep. Then, you watch TV for a bit. You end up getting bored, so you talk to people you haven't for a while. This makes you feel so nostalgic, it physically hurts. You turn to your iPod for support, only to discover you want to start listening to new music. In the end, you really don't do anything with your day. 

Even with all of this nothing, you still don't want to go back to school. You never want to touch another book again, but there is holiday homework to do. You never want to wake up at 6 o'clock ever, ever again. Yet, that day is looming ahead. While you're thinking about all of this, that hateful day arrives. Those new pens, fresh notebooks, and the smell of new wood on you're pencil would be something to celebrate about, had they not been for school. You know those pens won't be writing whimsical thoughts, but hard core chemistry notes. Those notebooks will not hold thoughtful sketches or trying poems, but a list of vocabulary words to memorize. Those pencils will be blunt and used, not by marking your favorite passages on your favorite book but by drawing the insides of the human body. 

Sure, it's nice to see your friends after a long time. However, is that moment worth waking up early, getting yelled at by teachers, and staying up till the wee hours doing homework? I think not. Yet, you wouldn't want to die of boredom doing nothing during the holidays would you? School or no school,  I just can't seem to get a break. 

Relative Somber Thoughts

When I was little whenever anybody passed away, I always thought it was my fault. It didn't matter if it was Michael Jackson or the lady 3 blocks down. If I had only eaten my vegetables or listened to my mother maybe they would still be alive. I realize now that it was a ludicrous idea. I had nothing to do with the death of anybody. I was just a little girl who adored the library and fictional stories way too much. It was just a way of dealing with loss.

Now, I shed a lot of tears and then simply distract myself. Death is a funny thing, but it's not much to laugh about. One minute somebody is here, living happily. The next, BOOM. Gone. Death is unknown, that's why it's so terrifying. Some people say that people who've passed away have gone to a better place. Well, how do they know? I'm 100% sure they've never been dead themselves. I understand though that they were trying to be nice, and I'm grateful for that.

I've noticed that when somebody passes away, only the people they knew truly feel the pain. Even when the pit of your stomach feels like falling out or when your tear ducts are on over drive; you feel as if your whole worlds been torn and can not ever be put back together. You can not even imagine that person not existing.

However, you take a look around. Life is still going on. When you look out the window, friends are still laughing. Cars still pass by. The day ends, the night arrives. You feel as if the whole world should freeze. How can life even go on? But it does. It goes on and on and on, with no mercy. Time is unstoppable. Sometimes, in the long run, it might not be a bad thing. Now though, it's horrible. Everything seems hopeless, but it's not. It will never be.

When I heard about my loss, the first thing I thought was the John Green quote written below from Looking For Alaska. Oh, Pudge. How I empathize with you right now.

“So hard to die.' I don't doubt that it is, but it cannot be much harder than being left behind.”